Just Say No

I live in Baltimore so seeing people on the street talking to themselves is no big deal. About five years ago, however, I began to notice that an increasing number of these chatty, gesticulating individuals were not the familiar ambulatory schizophrenics of my home town. They were actually talking on cell phones through their Blue Tooth ear appurtenances. I don’t know why, but discovering this freaked me out way more than if I had overheard them receiving direct instructions from God or Mr. Scratch to do something that would not redound to the public good.

Of course today I’m quite used to it, except for the occasional double-take to make sure that I hadn’t just brushed by a member of the Borg Collective. (In some cases, I’m still not sure.) The point is, I have adapted to this sea change in social behavior.

Ah, yes. Adapt or perish. Acceptance brings peace. But you know what? There are some things in the linguistic arena that Miss Kitty Literate will never adapt to or accept. Among them:

Customer as “guest.” “Will one of our sales associates please assist this guest with his/her concern before he/she shoots up all the plate glass in the store?” Even better, replacing “patient” with guest”: “Please enjoy the complimentary sepsis that comes with your post-op recovery.”

Impact as a verb was bad enough, but now it’s become an adjective. An impactful event! Besides bringing to mind excruciating dental or proctologic pain, this one is on the short list for ugliest word ever.

Skill set. “Mommy, did you throw away my skill set with my blankie? After I finish processing what you did, I’m sure I’ll hate you. No doubt one of my core competencies* when I grow up will be around misogyny.”

Process/Grow This is quite a pair. Remember when food, data, and hair were the main things processed? Now that it refers to sentient beings digesting, reflecting upon, breaking down, working out, and all those other near-obsolete descriptive phrases, I guess we’re simply living out all those visions of the future in which humans grow more robotic. Wait, did I just use “grow” in connection with the natural world? What with everyone running around growing their businesses, their social networks, and their skill sets, what’s left for poor old hair and food, not to mention height and gardens? (Okay, I’ll make an exception for crystals.)

I won’t even discuss disinterested and less v. fewer. It’s too painful.

And so here I am: a lone voice purring in the wilderness. If you ever hear me use any of the examples above, skin me. Alive.

*Credit for this one goes to my friend and recovering communication consultant Geary Cogsnest.

Around the Bend

Lately as I listen to the daily babble I am put in mind of the Fats Waller song “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore.” Well, it seems that now we’re getting around way too much. “Around,” which started life as a perfectly respectable preposition and then for some reason known only to “educators” and social workers began to engulf and devour “about,” now threatens to obliterate an entire lexical population.

In just the past few days, I have heard or had reported to me the following.

“Dave’s point seems to be around governance.”

“There was an analysis done around this.”

“Bali will customize an exercise plan around your goals.”

As they say in the military, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Okay, let’s take them one at a time:

1. Around governance. This is the classic case, a substitution of around for about. The dictionary does say that among its many meanings, “around” can be equated to “about.” So you could just chalk this up to linguistic drift, the tendency of idioms to shift slightly over time. Even if you find the substitution ugly to the ear, as I do, you might just have to, well, work around it.

2. Analysis done around this. No, no, no! It’s one thing to substitute one word for another while preserving the meaning. It’s quite another to use that same word to fog up the windshield. Exactly how do you do an analysis “around” something? Do you put the thing in the center of the room and then have a group of analysts do the hora? I have but one little word for you my friends, “Of.”

3. Plan around your goals. This is my favorite. Don’t plan to reach your goals, plan around them! Then you’ll never have to reach them, and as we (including Bali Total Fitness?) know, when it comes to exercise, most of us never do.

To continue that thought, are we just talking laziness here? Does it take too much energy to come up with prepositional phrases that actually describe what you’re talking about? Or is it a contagion? I don’t know. I’ll have to think around it.

Brother Rat

A total digression: Today on Radio Lab, a science show on my public radio station, they profiled a researcher who discovered that rats laugh when they play and when they are tickled by humans. Incredulity on the part of the hosts ran through the piece. Why? Why are human animals so stupid about other animals? Of course rats laugh! Why wouldn’t they? (Though lab rats don’t have a whole lot to laugh about, which does make it kind of incredible that they still do.) Sorry, Aristotle and all other dominionists, we are no closer to the angels than any given mirthful rodent.