I live in Baltimore so seeing people on the street talking to themselves is no big deal. About five years ago, however, I began to notice that an increasing number of these chatty, gesticulating individuals were not the familiar ambulatory schizophrenics of my home town. They were actually talking on cell phones through their Blue Tooth ear appurtenances. I don’t know why, but discovering this freaked me out way more than if I had overheard them receiving direct instructions from God or Mr. Scratch to do something that would not redound to the public good.
Of course today I’m quite used to it, except for the occasional double-take to make sure that I hadn’t just brushed by a member of the Borg Collective. (In some cases, I’m still not sure.) The point is, I have adapted to this sea change in social behavior.
Ah, yes. Adapt or perish. Acceptance brings peace. But you know what? There are some things in the linguistic arena that Miss Kitty Literate will never adapt to or accept. Among them:
Customer as “guest.” “Will one of our sales associates please assist this guest with his/her concern before he/she shoots up all the plate glass in the store?” Even better, replacing “patient” with guest”: “Please enjoy the complimentary sepsis that comes with your post-op recovery.”
Impact as a verb was bad enough, but now it’s become an adjective. An impactful event! Besides bringing to mind excruciating dental or proctologic pain, this one is on the short list for ugliest word ever.
Skill set. “Mommy, did you throw away my skill set with my blankie? After I finish processing what you did, I’m sure I’ll hate you. No doubt one of my core competencies* when I grow up will be around misogyny.”
Process/Grow This is quite a pair. Remember when food, data, and hair were the main things processed? Now that it refers to sentient beings digesting, reflecting upon, breaking down, working out, and all those other near-obsolete descriptive phrases, I guess we’re simply living out all those visions of the future in which humans grow more robotic. Wait, did I just use “grow” in connection with the natural world? What with everyone running around growing their businesses, their social networks, and their skill sets, what’s left for poor old hair and food, not to mention height and gardens? (Okay, I’ll make an exception for crystals.)
I won’t even discuss disinterested and less v. fewer. It’s too painful.
And so here I am: a lone voice purring in the wilderness. If you ever hear me use any of the examples above, skin me. Alive.
*Credit for this one goes to my friend and recovering communication consultant Geary Cogsnest.
2 comments:
Clearly the Baltimore "cellers" (cell phoners) are at least more sophisticated with their misuse of language than the ivy league Dartmouth students I encounter daily in Hanover NH, who use the word "like" instead of the word "um" to modify nearly every spoken word. Conversations such as: "It's like how can I like ask her when she's like so out of it?" or "Like how does this like happen?" - make me want to go through life with an Ipod plugged into my ears cranked up to full volume.
Customer as "guest" absolutely kills me. It's not only artificially friendly, but it actually *devalues* the concept of a customer! A customer has a right to certain treatment that a "guest" does not. What's wrong with being a customer?
But you missed my favorite: architected. I was aghast the first (and later) times I heard this used in advertising. For some reason it is not sufficient to DESIGN something...
-- E
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